


He's a Keeper

by Floopdeedoopdee



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:41:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26258836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Floopdeedoopdee/pseuds/Floopdeedoopdee
Summary: Jay is injured on an undercover and it's going to take the whole team and one determined older brother to see him through to the other side.  Please read warnings in authors notes.Chapter 2 is up.  AO3 hates me and didn't tell anyone.
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead & Hank Voight, Jay Halstead & Will Halstead, Jay Halstead/Adam Ruzek
Comments: 16
Kudos: 100





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Huge TRIGGER WARNINGS!!!!!!
> 
> I am just going to come right out and say it and not beat around the bush. In this story, Jay is raped by a woman while he is undercover. I have most of that chapter written and don’t know how to categorize where it will be on the graphic scale…not as graphic as it could be, but graphic enough. I will give you a heads up but right now it is chapter 4, possibly chapter 3. As of right now, I am not planning on having this be a loooonnnngggg story but that has been my intention on almost every story. I don’t plan on going into Jay’s whole healing process but enough to let you know that he will be okay - well will you look at that. I just told you he will be okay so maybe I can skip that last chapter. LoL. Anyway, Jay’s going to have a rough time but he won’t be alone and that in and of itself might be a problem but he will be okay.
> 
> Also, I love getting reviews because they make my day. For this story, I would especially invite them, ask for them, because it is such a touchy subject and I would like to have your thoughts. Many of Jay’s thoughts come from my own experience as a survivor. Male or female, (I am female), many thoughts and/or feelings are universal and many, you could say, are as unique as the individual.

He wasn’t supposed to be running yet but doesn’t care, the stitches are out.He’s running well over his normal pace.He feels every bruise on his body and face as he stomps his rage into the ground.It’s surprising he isn’t leaving craters in his wake.He can’t turn off his head, thought running would help but it doesn’t, so he runs faster. 

He cycles back to the question he has asked himself before; _would he feel worse if he had been raped by a man?_ He thinks he would. Not sure. He leaves that alone. Jay knocks his forehead with his knuckles. Frustrated with his thoughts.It doesn’t matter.The woman raped him. He blanches as he thinks the word rape. 

His whole being is unsettled.He feels gross.Ashamed.Angry.He loosens up the grip on his phone for the umpteenth time, lest he break it into a million pieces. He picks up speed as he brutalizes the earth, his feet sledgehammers.

He should have been able to do something. The ‘cop on the job’ side of him tries to convince him there was nothing he could do. He didn’t do anything wrong.It was two against one. He was hurt. They used drugs. 

The ‘cop _not_ on the job’ side of him, Jay Halstead the veteran, brother, son, friend, goofball, asshole, mentor, screw up; the lover of pizza, the Blackhawks, fan ofthe Cubs and the Bears, hater of the Packers and Cowboys, neat freak, runner, sniper; all the things that are him, thinks he should have fought, should have done better.Should have been known.Should have, should have, should have...it was his fault, his fault.His…

He lists to the side as his world tilts, going down hard and landing on his hip and elbow. The tears start to fall as all the memories slam into him like a freight train.He rolls to his hands and knees and throws up water and throat burning bile.He doesn’t remember the last time he ate. When he’s done he sits back on his heels, hands on thighs, curled into fists, to stop the violent tremble. He drops his head back and looks to the bright sky through his eyelids. He can’t stop the tears, they’re never ending, just like the memories.They won’t stop until he has relived every moment. It’s like his mind is searching for the missing pieces that the drugs tucked away. Sometimes more gaps are filled in, like vomit mortar glueing shit bricks together.He wishes his mind would give up the search, what is there is repulsive enough.

Occasionally a sob rings out and echos through the woods until it dies in the undergrowth. He doesn’t know how long he sits there but he is jolted out of his pain with a lightning bolt of fear.He jerks away and lands on his ass.

“Hey buddy. You okay?Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

He waits for an answer.Regretting putting his hand on the guy’s shoulder to get his attention when he didn’t answer him the first couple of times he asked.

“Sorry man. Are you ok?”

The guy looks terrified.

“Can I call someone for you?”

Who would he call? He has no idea. 911?He is at a loss for what to do when he notices a phone by what might be puke.

He gives the guy a wide berth, moving slow and picks up the phone, hoping it isn’t locked. It’s not. He goes to contacts and has no idea who he should call.He goes to the call records and decides to redial the last incoming call.He doesn’t take his eyes off the guy who is still quiet, staring at him. Tears in his eyes.

A gruff voice answers the call, “Jay?”

“Uh...you don’t know me...”

Gruff with an edge, “Who is this?”

“Uh, my name is Barry Rochester.I found this guy...”

Jay puts his head in his hands and quietly curses, Voight.

“Is he okay?”

“He isn’t hurt…not really…it looks like someone beat him up but not today, I mean I’m not sure but it doesn’t…”

Voight interrupts,“Where are you?”

“I’m on the red trail at Brice Park. This guy, uh Jay, I guess, is pretty upset. Looks scared even. When I found him he was crying. Sitting on the trail. I um, scared him when I tried to get his attention. He…”

“What part of the trail are you on?”

“Just over the first crest, not too far in.You’ll see us easy.”

“We’re on our way.25-30 minutes tops.Can you stay with him until then?”

“Sure, sure. No problem.”

The guy, Jay, hasn’t moved but at least he doesn’t look afraid of me anymore. He is sitting on his butt, arms draped over his knees, staring at nothing.It’s then I notice the cuts and rope burns around his wrists and his cut up knuckles Christ…

20 minutes later an older white guy, that can only be the owner of that gruff voice and a huge black guy and come over the crest.They both wear badges.What the hell?

The black guy goes and crouches a couple of feet in front of Jay, he hears a quiet ‘Hey, Jay,” and the other guy comes to me.

“Voight?”

An affirmative grunt then, “Barry.Thanks for staying with him.”

“No problem. Is there anything I can do?Sorry, I scared him.”

“Has he said anything?”

“No.He’s just been sitting like that since I called.”

“Thanks again for your help and for calling. We got it from here.”

He could tell he was being dismissed.He wanted to ask what happened to him but thought better of it.They were pretty intimidating.He’s not sure he really wants to know anyway.

“Ok, sure, if you need anything else, I work at Grayson’s on 5th. Barry Rochester.Hope everything’s ok.”

He gets another grunt in return. Yup dismissed. He has a moment of indecision. Go back on the trail or move forward. He goes forward with one look back as the two guys help Jay. He again wonders what happened but his eyes flick to the rope burns and he shuts that thought down quickly. Hope he’s ok.

Voight crouches down at Jay’s side. Far enough away not to freak him out. “Halstead…Jay...”He gets no response and Kevin goes from his crouch to sitting ass to heels.This might take a while.

“Hey there Jay.”

When he gets no response, he looks at Voight. This is...God...

“Jay.It’s me, Kevin and Voight’s here too. What’s going on?Come on Jay...can you look at me?”

Jay’s arms are draped over his knees and he’s staring at the ground in front of him. Kevin dips his head a bit hoping to catch Jay’s eyes. It takes a second but he can see when Jay finally looks at him instead of looking through him.

“Hey, man.”

Jay stays quiet but his face flushes with embarrassment, then anger. He doesn’t say anything. But quickly gets up and looks at both of them. The embarrassment is back. He gives a slight nod of the head. Voight hands him his phone. Jay seems a bit confused on why he had it but gives him a quietly mumbled ‘thanks’ then backtracks down the hill, one arm wrapped around his waist and holding his side. Voight and Atwater exchange a look and follow.

They get to the bottom of the hill and the tell tale chime of Jay’s truck being remotely unlocked breaks the silence. Voight follows Jay to the drivers side and puts his hand out for the keys. Jay doesn’t fight, just sighs, puts the keys in Voight’s palm and walks around to the passenger side. Getting in, he leans against the window with his eyes closed and ignores the whole situation.

Once Jay is in the truck, Voight meets Kevin at the tailgate.They both stood there a moment.It’s not the first time this week that they’ve had to respond to a situation with Jay.Four days ago a 911 call came in from one of Jay’s neighbors.Trudy snagged it and sent it up to them.When they got there, they found Jay sitting at his kitchen table in a pair of shorts, head resting in his hands, knuckles bruised and bleeding.He had basically ripped apart his apartment and punched numerous holes in his walls.

They had been relieved to see that Jay wasn’t in danger or at least, not from anyone other than himself, but that didn’t stop their worry.They all saw the bruises on his torso.Voight, Vanessa and Adam had already seen them but for Hailey, Kevin and Kim this was a first look at some of the damage inflicted on Jay in that place and the bruises were the least of it.Voight had taken Jay to med that day to get checked out.The rest of them stayed and cleaned up as much as they could then headed back to the district. 

So here they were again, at a loss on how to help their friend, relegated to putting out brush fires, hoping they could head off the inferno that was sure to come.

“I’m going to take him to med, make sure he didn’t re-injure himself and have Will x-ray his elbow.”

“Okay boss.I’ll head back.Let us know if you need anything.”

XXXXXXX

Jay opened his eyes when his truck came to a stop.He hadn’t fallen asleep but was surprised just the same when he found himself at Med and not his apartment.

He leaned his head back against the seat and let out a quiet “shit.”Before he could open the door, Will was there opening it for him. 

“I’ll park the truck and meet you inside.”

Will acknowledged Voight with a nod, then walked with his brother into the ER, sneaking side glances along the way while Jay ignored him.

Voight finds Jay in room two.Somehow, Will is able to treat Jay without anyone saying anything even though they are related.Everyone knows what happened, how could they not, Jay was brought to Med when they got him out.

It wasn’t a matter of gossip, unfortunately the medics who brought him in were people that they didn’t know, so they followed first responder protocol and informed the charge nurse in the ER that they had a victim of sexual assault being brought in.The team followed ER protocol and set aside a room and prep to follow specific guidelines for evidence retrieval and patient care and a female doctor was put on standby. 

Then they rolled Jay in and everyones world blew up.

So now, because of that and barring anything life threatening, they are letting their policy on treating family slide.

“I’m going to check your elbow okay?”

Jay gives his brother a nod but still flinches when Will touches him.He closes his eyes, disgusted with his reaction.Will clenches his jaw and tries to stay in doctor mode but brother mode is overriding it.

“You’re not supposed to be jogging yet.”

He rolls his eyes,“I’m fine.”

“You’re going to be sore.Can I give you some meds?I think you’re going to need them.”

“I’ll be fine.”

Will exchanges a glance with Voight and blows out a breath.

XXXXXXX

The x-rays check out.He’ll have a couple more bruises on his elbow and hip but other than that he is as fine as someone who already wasn’t fine can be. 

They get to Jay’s apartment and Voight gives Jay his keys. As soon as they’re in, Jay heads for the bathroom. A minute later Voight hears the shower.He paces the small kitchen, checking in with Atwater.Will should get there in a half hour tops.

Voight thought about calling Hailey and having her come over, but given the circumstance, it might be better if it’s not Hailey that comes. He shakes his head at that. Pissed at the whole damn thing. If the Barton’s weren’t already in jail he’d have them rotting at the silos.

Will comes in twenty minutes later to find Voight still pacing.He tips his head towards the bedroom.

“He’s still in the shower, been there since we got here.”

“Anything happen after you left?Did he say anything?”

“Nope. Hasn’t said a word.”

“Ok. Thanks Voight. I got it from here.”

“Let us know if you need anything.Any of us are just a call away.”

Will give Voight a nod and heads to the bathroom, letting Voight see himself out.

Will knocks on the door and lets Jay know he’s coming in.A pattern that has been repeated too may times since they got Jay home.

He takes in Jay’s naked form sitting on the shower floor, legs pulled up with his arms resting on his knees.Head resting on his arms.The bruises are still dark and although he can’t see the stab wound from here, it had to hurt like a bitch after going for a run that he had no business being on.It wasn’t serious, just bled a lot and painful, but if not for everything else, wouldn’t have even warranted a stay in the hospital.

What bothers him though, seeing his brother sitting there for the fourth or fifth time since he’s been home, is the thousand yard stare and the marks on his body where he has rubbed himself raw from trying to get clean. Some have even drawn blood or bruised and another washcloth lies in the corner of the shower where it will eventually be thrown away just like the others.

He crouches down by the shower and slowly opens the door.

Not wanting to startle him, he talks as softly as possible.

“Hey, bud.I’m here.I’m going to shut off the water okay.”

Will moves slowly but still notices a flinch from Jay.Once he has the water off, he grabs a towel and crouches down by Jay again, holding it out.Waiting for Jay to grab it.As soon as he does, Will exits, closing the door partway and goes into the living room.

When he knows that he has given Jay enough time, he ventures slowly back into the bedroom.He approaches the bed slowly even though Jay has his back to the door and is buried in a pile of blankets.

“Jay?”Will hopes he’ll answer but after he waits for a few minutes he sighs quietly. “I’ll be right out here. Lemme know if you need anything.”

He’s almost to the door when Jay speaks in a quiet voice.And what he says breaks Will’s heart and throws him into a panic at the same time.

“I don’t know how to do this Will…I can’t do this…I don’t think I can do this anymore.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, the next chapter! Yay! I was inspired to finish it a couple of days ago but was nervous about publishing it. I’m sorry it took so long. Thank you so much for your patience! I’m trying to finish TOTDC but it’s being mean to me, so here we are. This chapter is mostly filler/setup for what comes next. It was a very frustrating chapter with an exorbitant amount of overthinking, since parts of it were very uncomfortable to write. I toyed with removing those parts but I let my muse win so she doesn’t quid pro quo me in later chapters. It’s not very whumpy, which is a bummer because I like to put some whump in every chapter. But there is a bit of angst…and creepiness.
> 
> I realize the beginning of this is kind of familiar to one of my one-shots but I wrote this first and didn’t want to change it. I hadn’t even realized I had commandeered parts of this chapter for the argument in other story until I went back and read that story again. Boy was that an ‘oh shit!’ moment.
> 
> A note on Upstead: Hailey and Jay aren’t together in this story but they are at the ‘googley eye we need no words to convey what we are saying or feeling but too scared to admit they want to be more than friends’ stage of their relationship. And Hailey isn’t a bitch she’s just really scared for Jay and messes up a bit. 
> 
> Thank you so much for your reviews. They mean so much to me. Especially with this story because of the subject matter. So thank you thank you thank you!
> 
> Ok. That’s it. I hope you like it.

BEFORE - THE CASE.

It was originally Homicide’s case.Three victims in two months.All three men were beaten, had bruising at the wrists and ankles from restraints, and all had a superficial stab wound to the side.One vic bled out from sliced wrists, one OD’d and the other shot himself.All made to look like suicides but forensics said different.

Minute traces of viagra and a unique date rape drug cocktail where in their system. Based on trace evidence, all three men were believed to have been raped by a woman. They had the DNA, but no one to match it to.Homicide had run it through every data base and come up with nothing. 

The third victim, Michael Maas, was the son of Conrad Maas, United States Attorney, Northern District of Illinois.Doesn’t get more high profile than that, so it was kicked up to Intelligence.Since the family didn’t want to admit their son was an addict, it was like pulling teeth to get the information that tied Maas to a particular treatment/mental health center that catered to the filthy rich.Homicide wasn’t able to get that information out of the family, didn’t even know to push for it.But Jay knew the family was hiding something and that something was the information they needed.After interviewing the other families again, they found the link that tied the three victims together, they were all addicts and all had spent time at the same treatment facility.

Vanessa has been undercover there a little over four weeks and they’d gotten nowhere.Three murders of wealthy men and the only thing they had in common was Infinity Center, a facility that, in Vanessa’s words, was ‘a crossbreed of an addiction treatment center for the wealthy and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest creepy for the mentally unstable.’The longer you were there, the creepier the vibe.The place wasn’t regulated, was privately owned, and they didn’t even apply for grants.Basically they could get away with whatever they wanted.Especially since they catered to the wealthy citizens of Chicago that didn’t want anyone to know that their kid was a druggy or a fuck up.

Vanessa has been working in administration and her main task, besides keeping her eyes and ears open, is collecting DNA from the women employees but she was having a harder time with the residents.Basically she digs coffee cups out of the trash and types all day.

Adam has been in just under two weeks as an orderly.He had access to more people and more parts of the building.He was working on getting DNA from the residents.

They were getting nowhere.All employees had checked out.No dings to any records.Even the owners, Dr. David Barton and Roland Barton were clean. Known philanthropists, they were well liked in the community and the center.Father and son, David was the CEO and administrator.Roland was the head nurse.They had started Infinity Center four years ago after David’s daughter and Roland’s half sister Teresa died of an overdose.She had been in and out of psych wards and addiction centers her entire life.Addiction wasn’t her only problem, hence the treatment center also catering to those people suffering with various mental health issues.Everything about the center was a memorial to her.

Jay suggested going in as a recovering addict.He was a similar type to the other three victims.Clean cut, lean, attractive.Given what had happened to these guys, no one was happy with Jay going in.But Hailey was a little more than unhappy, she was pissed and a little overprotective, thinking it was too dangerous.

Jay told Voight the plan first and thought it was solid.Platt would drop Jay off, posing as his frustrated mother.Jay would have safe words for Adam and Vanessa that he could use if he thought his cover was blown, he ID’d the perp or if he thought he was in danger as another victim.

It was already established when Adam went in, that he would be seen flirting with Vanessa and join her for meals whenever possible.That would give them a good excuse to talk to each other and share information.

They’ve had plain clothes officers in unmarked cars in the area since Vanessa went in.That would increase in number with Jay going in as a guest.And from there, they would have to wing it.When Hailey heard the words, ‘wing it,’ they seriously thought she was going to break something, more than likely Jay.

They’d all just heard the plan and they all hate it.Not because it’s a bad plan, it wasn’t, it’s actually a very good plan or at least the best they could do.It was the shitty circumstances, the risk to Jay, that made them all hate it.

They’re all sitting at their desks, Voight perched on the corner of Kevin’s.Jay and his chair are in front of Voight’s door.That’s where he ended up when he pushed away from his desk the second time Hailey yelled at him.He’s sitting with elbows on knees and his head, kind of, in his hands.Actually it’s more like thumbs on his cheeks while fingers tap out a frustrated rhythm on his forehead.They’ve been round and round on this.He needs to go in.

“Look, Adam is getting nowhere, no offense Adam.Whoever it is, they’re cautious.They aren’t going to trust the new guy. Same with Vanessa, a month in and nothing.I’ve gotta go in and see if they bite.Adam and Vanessa are in place to back me up.”

Hailey pipes up with anger to hide her fear.“No absolutely not.No.”She shakes her head, adamant that her partner would not put himself in that kind of risk.

Jay sighs, “Hailey…”He sits up and rubs his face, “Boss?”

Voight stays quiet and stares at the white board.He doesn’t like it either, too much risk to the kid.

Hailey pins a steely gaze on her partner, “Well, Jay, what if they do bite, is that really what you want to walk into?Adam and Vanessa won’t be there 24/7.”

They had numerous bugs in place throughout the facility, monitored by Platt’s people, but they’ve picked up nothing.Kevin’s hacked into the facility camera’s but the whole place is one big blind spot even with the amount of cameras they have, which is a lot.Common areas have cameras, no sound.Rooms reserved for suicide watch/time outs were on camera, as well as entrances and exits.But that left a lot of areas uncovered, mainly the guest rooms.

He’s getting a headache.Round and round, round and round.Does he want to do this?No, no he doesn’t.Not one bit.He doesn’t think he’s ever felt so anxious about an undercover.They already know that upon arrival his luggage will be checked and he’ll be searched, strip searched, down to his underwear.He definitely won’t get to keep his cell phone.So Jay wouldn’t have any communication devices.

“Look, guys,I don’t wanna do this either.To be honest, I wish we had a better plan, but we don’t.We’ve done UC’s with less than this and we don’t really have another option.Three people are dead.We’ve got the bugs and the cameras. I’ve got Vanessa and Adam.75% of the time, one of them with be on the property.”

“Unarmed!”

Jay lets out a growl of frustration, “Jesus, Hailey!I can take care of myself, they can take care of themselves.It’s our job.”He growls again through clenched teeth and puts his head in his hands for a few moments.

He knows Hailey’s still not buying it and he doesn’t understand why.Doesn’t she trust him?He’s nervous about going in too, but couldn’t bring himself to let someone else do it, he’s the only one in the unit that fit the victim profile and they sure in hell weren’t going to get someone from outside the unit.So why?

“I appreciate it Hails, really I do, but this is what I do.I know your worried, you’re all worried, but I’m the only one that can do this now.”

She huffs and crosses her arms.His growing frustration has finally turned to anger.Why isn’t she trusting him on this?

He huffs right back at her, “So what is this really Hailey?Do you think I can’t do my job?Think I’m going to fuck this up…What?What!?”

Hailey just stares at him.They can all see she’s going to go off.There is no ‘if’ but ‘when’ she will blow. 

Hailey was pissed.“What about your PTSD!?”

That sucked all the air out of the room.She went there.That had to hurt.And seeing the look on Jay’s face, it did, a lot.They all new he suffered from PTSD.He had been fine, but guessing by the dark circles under his eyes, he must be struggling again.No wonder Hailey is fighting so hard.

“Low blow Upton.” He doesn’t say it with anger, but his quiet voice is full of hurt.

He walks away towards the locker room but she saw the hurt in his eyes. She saw how she had wounded him and wished she could take it back.

It’s quiet and uncomfortable for the five minutes Jay is gone.When he comes back, he sits down and doesn’t say anything.He gives her a brief look, then his eyes slide away.The pain is still there and now more than ever she wishes she could take back what she said.She wishes she could rein in her anger but truth be told, it’s a cover for being scared shitless for her partner, for her best friend.She won’t be in there to cover him.

Jay looks at Voight for backup but he doesn’t step in.The look on Voight’s face tells him he’ll be going in.He knows Voight is letting the two of them get this sorted out.They’ll have to if they have any chance of pulling this off. 

Jay stares at Hailey.He’s schooled his features to hide the hurt, but doesn’t quite pull it off.It’s killing him that his partner doesn’t trust him.

“So, you don’t trust me…”

It’s a statement that he desperately wants her to deny, deny with the same energy as her fight against the plan.

She stares daggers back at him then walks to the white board, slams her hand against it and points to a word.Her voice probably carries to the parking lot, “Rape, Jay, RAPE!Someone is raping the victims!That’s what you’ll be walking into.”

“Alright!Alright!ENOUGH!Jay’s going in.Wrap your head around it and get in the game, cuz it’s gunna happen.” 

Platt comes up the steps and stares at Voight, “What’s the hell is going on up here?The stink of your dirty laundry is wafting down the steps, so rein it in.”

Platt is probably the only person in the world that can talk to Voight that way.And she is probably the only person he would “obey.”He reined it in.

Hailey stands by the board, pulls her arms against her chest and covers her face with her hands to compose herself.When she looks up her face is soft and there are tears in her eyes, “Jay, I trust you more that I have trusted anyone in my life.I would follow you anywhere…but I can’t follow you there.I won’t have your back…”She puts a hand over her mouth and puts her head down, eyes closed.She takes a deep breath and puts both hands on her hips, still looking at the floor.When she opens her eyes she sees a pair of boots step into her line of sight.

“Hailey…”

She raises her head and Jay is there, looking at her with a softness she has seen time and time again. He puts his hands on her arms and gives them a light squeeze, “Hails…I’ll be alright.”

The rest of the team watches it play out.Jay and Hailey will get on the same page, they always do, sometimes it just takes a bit longer.

She sucks in a stuttering breath and Jay pulls his partner close and gives her a hug.Only he hears her whispered, ‘I’m sorry.’

“It’s all good, Hails.And you will have my back, it’ll just be in a different way this time.We’re good at this, all of us, and we’re going to shut these assholes down, alright?”

He steps back so he can see her face, “Alright?”

She turns her head to the side and blows out a breath, then turns back to him and nods.“Alright….alright.Let’s take these assholes down.”

Voight sighs and rubs his face, “Good, let’s get this rolling. Jay get Trudy.”

Jay smirks at Hailey, “Time to go tell Platt she has a problem child, should be fun.”

XXXXXXX

Jay doesn’t come back right away.Ten minutes later she finds him in the locker room, sitting on the bench with his elbows on his knees rubbing his temples.She doesn’t say anything, just goes to her locker and pulls out a bottle of Tylenol and hands it to Jay with her water.

“Thanks.”

She sits quietly beside him and waits until he takes them.

“I’m sorry Jay. I’m so, so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

He still has his elbows on his knees, arms dangling but turns his head to look at her, “It’s okay Hails, really. I know you were just scared.”He sighs, “And it _was_ a good point.”

“It wasn’t mine to tell. I shouldn’t have.”

He sits up and meets her eyes, “Hailey. I need you to listen to me on this. You saying that, bringing up my PTSD…”He blows out a breath, he hates admitting anything about it, “…even though you were scared and said it in the heat of the moment, it was absolutely the right thing to do.”

She wants to argue that but lets him say his piece because she knows he’s not done.

“We’re partners Hailey and that was you watching my back.It might’ve hurt and I might not have liked it at the time, but it needed to be said.”

He chuckles, “And it’s not like you spilled a secret, everyone in the unit knows about it… _and_ Platt, because she knows everything. I swear she has this place bugged.”

She huffs at that, “I wouldn’t doubt it.”

“And it’s not like it’s a secret I’ve been having a bad week.If those guys didn’t notice it, they probably shouldn’t be in Intelligence. “

She feels like she’s getting off too easy, “Ya, I know but, I’m still sorry. I didn’t mean for that, any of it to come out like you couldn’t do your job.”

“Heat of the moment Hails. I know that you know I can do my job.Please stop beating yourself up.We’re good.We’ll always be good.”

Because Jay is Jay, she knows he won’t let her get away with beating herself up any longer.She sighs then nods.

He needs to shift gears.Right now they both need to set aside their fears, bring it back to who they are, best friends.So he gives her a shit eating grin because he knows she can’t resist it - his eyes light up and his grin gets even bigger, when she gives him the smile that he thinks of as Sunshine.Those smiles border on rare but they calm him and leave him with a warmth he hasn’t felt since before his mom died.They’re everything.

“Besides, it will just add to my character. I do pretty much look like shit.”

She laughs and shakes her head.He pulls her up so they are both standing and locks her in another hug.She feels him sink into it so she holds on a little tighter, a little bit longer. They probably held the hug too long. That’s been happening a lot lately, stuff like that, hands on shoulders, a squeeze of the hand to get them through the tough moments. Something is happening, she’s not sure what, but they’re rolling with it.

He finally breaks the hug and sighs like it’s almost painful to let go, she knows it was for her.Every passing second her fear builds but she tucks it down. Jay doesn’t need that, though she could’ve hugged him for a couple of more hours.

“Let’s go. Molly’s. I need a couple of drinks before I start rehab and get clean and sober.”

“Okay. Let’s go, but you’re not buying.Your mother has cut off your trust fund and you can’t afford it.”

“Sounds like my mom is kind of mean.”

They exchange a look. Platt won’t have far to go to play her part.

XXXXXXX

Two days later, Trudy drops Jay off.They barely talk to each other and there was no real acting needed.They just carried the relationship they had at the 21st into the facility.Sarcasm with an underlying, ‘not going to admit it,’ fondness for each other.

The resident coordinator met them when they arrived.Jay, aka, ’Ryan’ said nothing, while Trudy, aka, ‘Mother’ did all the talking.His only communication came in an extraordinary amount of sighs and eye rolls, with an occasional stink eye thrown in for good measure.At the end of the check in procedure, Mother gave Ryan a stiff hug that he barely reciprocated and parted with some encouraging words, “Don’t be so damn stubborn and maybe it will work this time.”

XXXXXXX

She has watched everything and is riveted to the screen.“Who is he?”

“Ryan Clark.He got clean a while ago but his mother is afraid that he’s going to relapse.He’s been sullen and standoffish.” 

She raises her eyebrow and smiles. 

“She’s paid the deposit and three weeks.She kicked in another ten grand for extra one on one sessions and any ‘activities that might help him get his shit together.’”

She scoffs, “Sounds more like she’s trying to get him out of her hair.”

He laughs, “Well, ya…then there’s that.”

“Put him in 210.”

He smiles and squeezes her shoulder.He knew she would like this one.Ryan fit the mold and his mother would be out of the country for two months.

XXXXXXX

She’s smiling at the monitor, clicking from camera to camera, following him on his tour of the facility.She can’t take her eyes off him.She clicks on the last camera and moves closer to the monitor.Her hidden camera captures the majority of his room.She watches as he walks into his room, tosses his bag on the floor and looks around, he startles when he realizes Roland has followed him in. 

She can’t hear the conversation but doesn’t need to.All luggage is searched, all guests are strip searched.She enjoys watching him argue with Roland.It’s an argument he won’t win.When he finally realizes it, he strips down to his boxer briefs, then goes off again when Roland makes him wait as he searches his luggage first.He’s beautiful when he’s exasperated, standing there with his arms crossed over his chest, muscles rippling in anger.

Her eyes are riveted to the screen, taking in the beautiful lines of his body when Roland finally starts to search him. He is nothing but lean muscle.She zooms in.Freckles. Oh god, his freckles.Roland has him stand, feet shoulder width apart, arms out to the side, facing the camera.She runs her eyes down his smooth chest, his abs, then gets caught up on the trail of hair that starts at his bellybutton and disappears under the waistband of his briefs. 

She would like to watch his facial expressions but can’t take her eyes off Roland’s hands as they touch Ryan’s beautiful body.The muscles in his legs contract at the unwanted contact.Roland is more touchy feely than he needs to be but he does it for her.Ryan steps back when Roland lingers too long at the top of his inner thigh.She reads his lips, ‘what the fuck man.’She loves her brother.He would do anything for her. 

They’re having a bit of a face off but finally Ryan complies.He has to if he wants to stay here.So he turns around, his back is to her.All of his muscles are tense as Roland repeats the process, running his hands over his hips and muscular butt and there’s nothing Ryan can do about it.Again Roland lingers too long at his inner thighs.Ryan steps away, his face is red with anger and his hands flex into fists.There’s a stare down.Roland will win again because he’ll threaten a body cavity search instead of the less intrusive search they are currently doing.It works every time.She doesn’t know what Ryan says before he turns back around for Roland to continue, but he’s absolutely fuming and it’s glorious.

After Roland leaves, she watches Ryan storm around the room, finally calming while he looks out the window.Tomorrow Roland’ll make sure some bruises are added to that beautiful body and face.Her Ryan turns away from the window and leans against the wall, head tipped back and eyes closed.She gazes at his body, lost in her thoughts of his chest, abs and face littered with bruises.She touches the screen, herself, in anticipation of tomorrow.He’ll be her favorite.She’ll keep him longer than the others. Maybe forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure when I will be able to update this again. Don’t worry I won’t abandon it. Most of the next chapter is written, it just needs some major tweaking. It’s the chapter where the bad stuff happens and I want to do the chapter justice. Thank you as always for your support, reviews, and your awesome patience with me. Stay safe!
> 
> I have two stories that I wanted to plug. They are fanfreakintasticallyawesomeolicious!
> 
> I wish I would have thought to do this when I first started writing FF but better late than never right? 
> 
> Our Scars - WalkTheMoon on FF (Fraulein21 on AO3). It’s not Upstead but OMG the original character is freakin awesome and one of my favorites in all fan fiction. And Jay is just every form of awesomeness you could ever want in a story.
> 
> The Birth of Worlds - ChinVilla on FF and AO3. (Jaycentric) Actually ChinVilla has two stories going right now and has 3 altogether. The angsty whump is through the roof and there is whumpy whump also. ChinVilla could do a TED Talk on how to write angsty whump and inspires me with every word to do my own writing.
> 
> Check them out if you want to be thoroughly entertained and have your heart squeezed to ashes at the same time!

**Author's Note:**

> Okey dokey then. Thanks for reading! This was a break for me while my muse calms the F down so I can finish the next chapter of TOTDC. I’m not sure when I will be updating this again but don’t worry I will. I am also trying to finish Jay and I’m pretty, kind of, okay sort of close.
> 
> And always, thank you to those who comment on any of my stories. It is much appreciated, makes my day and keeps me motivated.
> 
> Stay safe peeps! 


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